The 10 different types of Stoners
(DISCLAIMER: This is all just my opinion).
Stoners come in all shapes and sizes, with the shared love of good weed and good times. There are, however, certain clichés when it comes to weed smokers. If you’ve ever smoked in a group, chances are you’ve met one or more of these people.
Each type will be given a rating based on how the experience of smoking with them is (or at least, how my experience of them was).
First up, we have the philosopher. This is a person that spends every minute of their high thinking about enlightenment, the meaning of life, and why everybody should smoke weed. They can potentially be very fun to be around, as they make for intriguing conversationalists, but they can also be a tad intense when all you want to do is laugh at silly cat memes.
The couch potato
This one is self-explanatory. The couch potato would waaay rather watch a movie on the couch, with their bong close at hand, than go out on an adventure. Couchlock is a real thing guys, and couch potatoes worship it. If you’ve had a long day at work/university, then these stoners are ideal. If your vibe when smoking is getting anything done, then avoid at all costs.
Essentially the opposite of the couch potato, the busybody is someone who thinks that every joint they smoke is stacked with Sativa. Their characteristics include boundless energy, constant movement, and the inability to stop speaking. Busybodies are the ideal smoking friend for when you feel like doing something, especially if that something involves expending a lot of energy. Not so great for when you just wanna chill.
The “let’s roll another one” stoner
A machine, whose sole purpose is consuming every ounce of marijuana in their sight. This stoner would put Cheech and Chong to shame. Their only purpose in life is to explore how profoundly high one person could possibly get. They are amazing when they bring their own weed. If not, it may turn out to be an expensive sesh for you.
Rating: 8/10 (if they supply their own) 3/10 (if they don’t)
The paranoid stoner
There is a little bit of this type of stoner in all of us, but it manifests particularly intensely in some individuals. The paranoid stoner is more likely to call the cops on themselves than just sit back and relax. They are not so ideal to be around, as there is the potential for them to drag you into a state of paranoia alongside them. They can also be very draining, as there is a constant need to assure them that everything is going to be okay.
The munchies stoner
Lock your fridge when this person comes around to smoke. They may or may not have four stomachs, but they certainly eat like they do. Nothing is off the cards, as munchie stoners have been known to get very inventive. The weirdest combinations include: Yoghurt-dipped Flings, ice cream and fries, and pickles with chocolate. Just like the “roll another one” stoner, if they bring their own snacks, they’re a pleasure to be around. If not, prepare to go hungry that week.
Rating: 8/10 (with own snacks) 4/10 (without own snacks)
The know it all
This person will tell you the THC percentages of your bud, what the terpene profile looks like, and why there’s not really a difference between Sativas and Indicas. They can be very informative, which is cool, but they may also treat you like you’ve never seen weed before. They like to show off their knowledge, which can get exhausting.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, leave the bong with this kind of stoner. They will drop it. It will break. You’ll be sad. The klutz really does mean well but unfortunately weed leaves them with the hand-eye coordination of a blind shrimp. If they are watched carefully, they can be lovely to smoke with.
The inventive stoner
This person could be stranded on a desert island, and still have a functioning bong within an hour. The idea of smoking out of a standard pipe or bong is completely foreign to these engineering freaks of nature, who see potential in every fruit, bottle, or hosepipe they come across. Apple bongs are so last year for these cats, who are leading the charge towards a society where any and everything is designed to be smokable. Always try to have a person like this in your crew, as you never know when their skills may come in handy.
The OG. Smoking herb is a way of life for this person, along with wearing brightly coloured tie-dye and not brushing their hair. They are not to be confused with Rastas, for whom smoking cannabis forms a genuine part of their religion. Oh no, the hippy chooses to dress that way. Years of smoking below average weed has left these retro souls in a perpetual state of chillll. They can usually be found near the beach, or in the forest staying in tune with Gaia, or Mother Earth if you’re not familiar. They are intriguing to smoke with and will always supply you with a titbit of wisdom that you would never have thought of.